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  • RUSSELL

A circle has no end or beginning

A circle has no end or beginning, but it is ever revolving, and the more you travel, the more you will see what you first were blind too. So, at times I speak in circles, that way you will be able to revisit things you already were aware of, just maybe not conscious of, and you get a chance to see without blockers, so talking in circles isn’t as bad you they say Parsing paradigms and piercing paradoxes are in someway my thought and writing style, I write perspective narratives and perspective verse poetry based from my wayward observations and experiences of Life and Imprisonment. I’ve come to see that those two experiences, while one is in freedom, and the other isn’t, both have more mirroring parallels and possibly aren’t so contrasting as they may seem. Just one population is more concentrated, and so the interactions of that population are more inflamed for lack of space and options-two things a civil society offers, but we adjust. Prison-the land of the Civilized Savages. It’s easier to question things when you add distance from the thing in question. Distance creates objectivity and room for thought.. so I think about “what if’s” a lot and the mortality of them, they speak to either a distant future or distant past, and mostly an impossibility I believe one of the biggest “what if’s” are, what if you knew everyone’s truth, and they too, were privy of the real you? What if, everything you believed was exactly the contrar? Could you be brave enough to accept those new revelations, or would stubborness, fear, and the lack of idealism plague your growth? It takes questioning to learn more, but as we mature from our adolescent selves, ironically we question less, preffering comfort to re-construction. Somehow, the mere act of questioning is both brave and audacious, because of the way in which we cling to conventional norms and wisdoms. Conforming is the new tolerance, and individuality is the new prison, Welcome! So here’s a question, can there be chaos without control, or control without chaos? Or simply, do they both feed off each other? We see life as if everything has an opposing force, instead of a complimentary one. Obviously, perception is reality. Along with the connotations attached to our complicated dubious and ambiguous langauge. Maybe control is chaotic, and chaos however, is a means of control. Maybe because the act of supplementing a control for chaos, creates conditioning. Yet, no control is constant, besides in the fact that it is just like life, therefore, constantly changing. We have frames, doctrines, laws, and paradigms that we use to identify and medicate the themes we come across in life, but those structures and foundations are constantly in a state of agitation, or change, as life evolves and we adapt. Therefore, control I believe, is chaotic, because we have to compliment chaos with order, it’s opposite, but does that mean that chaos is control, or does chaos merely beckon control? The latter would be obvious. Control is ever evolving and adapting, like lifes organisms and societies. In order to survive, control creates a norm, or certain conditions, so then life in itself is “Chaotic Control”-birthing a ceaseless cycle of conditioning – I tell her to stay she try to go- she try to stay I try to leave- like she is my tree like she is my sleeve- she try-on my heart it is her size- im wearing on her and she wears me out- the girls like a man that show how he feel- she see the girls and see my appeal- I try to split banana won’t peel- but she need a pill because she feelin ill- she keeping secrets her secrets revealed- when she get a drink in to her gills- there’s plenty of fish but that ain’t the deal- this is a pickle but she can not dill- what is the deal she want me to kneel- she try to feel but she can not feel so she play the field now I’m in my feels now I have a shield still wondering if she’ll.. but she never will – do u love me, or u love me not?! no really do u? cuz my stomach in knots! its just u promise a lot then contradict with a thought now my confidence at a loss and u comprehend it as fault u say its mine when we talk like this shit all in my head?! but all THAt I see is fog I hear ur echoing heels as they SLAP the side walk I look up and ur lost speaking my truth at a cost what’s the point of a heart if it only beats when its tossed I wear it on my sleeves, maybe these sleeves should come off! u say u love me don’t lie! (gulp)Im drinking my pride because I’m tryna hide that I’m dying inside fuck! why should I cry?! you just hate being alone! u don’t know bout real love (hiccup) ahhhh should give up why do I even get up stuck in my feels and all I feel is bitter tasting the remnants of your lipstick glitter the sweetest venom.. I secretly kiss your picture and then I rip it placing it in an envelope, reluctantly I send it after I write a sentence “only for your eyes…but I hope you dont get it” – she told me she love me why won’t she cry for me she told me she’ll never leave why won’t she cry for me she said she’d rather be nowhere but right here why won’t she cry for me she said there’s no one else like me why won’t she cry for me she said she has never felt like this before why won’t she cry for me she said she goes into a love portal when our lips collide why won’t she cry for me she said she feels so cold after we break away from our embrace why won’t she cry for me she said I’m not her first, but I am her first why won’t she cry for me she looks at me deep, with this question in her eyes longing for some kind of answer she always asks me how I feel she wants to hear me say it I say the exact same things she said her look became distant she found her answer I didn’t notice until she said goodbye I reached for her, but it was too late, she slipped away wanting things I could never give looking for something I clearly couldn’t see why can’t I cry for her… I wish I could cry for her

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