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For my Boys

Feel, then Share this, matter of fact, you don’t gotta feel it, but share it! There’s many more that have this same pain and are either new to it, or have gone through it far longer than me! My son’s 10th birthday just passed by this Mother’s Day. Already being in prison, what I want most is to connect back with my son. Again, I still haven’t been able to talk to him, I don’t know what he knows or thinks of me. I haven’t seen many pictures of him, but I’m not mad. I’m hurt! I hurt like hell! I won’t get into extra detail, but this is what I want you to share. This hurts me, grown men do feel, but this won’t break me. I don’t mean that as a shot at his mom, she is still loving and providing for our son, so for that I’m happy because he still is loved, even if my love isn’t felt. This hurt isn’t a set back, or a reason for me to get mad and hate the world, every morning I wake up and say to myself, “what if the worst happens?” and my answer is, “and still I’ll go on”. What if…the answer is, so what! Don’t let bad news break and define you. This only has tested my foundation and validated how fortified what I’m building and becoming is. But even more, this is fuel! This pain is motivation! These tears welled, and I kept them from falling, because my Will rose even higher. I’m going to work even harder to get my message out there! I’m going to build and be better every.single.day! Prison is a platform, we feel and go through everything every day. I’m going to write more, read more, speak more, pray more, believe more, listen more, lead more, and be that dad that my sons will be proud of. Seeing the effects of my rise, instead of just the cause of my fall. So to anybody behind bars, even in life, but especially yaw in prison, take that pain and let down. Let it feed you, feed off that raw hurt and become stronger and better for it, because the real test and measure of a person down, is how they react when more bad news comes around. Don’t get tired, get activated, because pain is just reminding you that you feel, don’t hide from what you feel, because to feel means you are alive. My son may not know it, but when he does witness my life, he will see life and that I’m living. He will see light! What will your loved ones see? Grit and Grind! Prison is a mindset, your feet may be bound and your wrists chained, but your mind is free! So until your body matches your mind, fight and become, don’t just take it and remain. I hurt even now, but it’s koo, I’m alive, and I’m not the only one going through it. Someone somewhere always has it worst, so reach out to those yaw know, because pain isn’t only felt when its spoken. Support isn’t just there when you doing good, but they understand not only when, why but also allow you to have bad days without judgement and offer their support, even if you don’t accept. (thanks Katie) I was down Sunday, but I’m up Monday, and ready for the week..one day at a time, even when you feel weak, you’ll still make it through the week R.U.S.S. — For my Boys-

“Drive.U.Thru” my mom laid the road, so I could drive through. just as I did sons, embrace the bumps, because they’ll drive you. at times you may wreck, take heed to your hindview. it’s not all about whats infront, because some things can blind you. willingly accept, then apply positive directions, I hope my voice is OnStar inside you. “don’t go there, I been there, and did that.. please do better than what I do.” there are always dangerous alleyways and deadends, creeping up around the corner and beside you. there may even be unclear roads and foggy days, but trust in God and let that be the light that guides you. at times you may not even want to hit the road, regardless how you turn over, get up and let love ignite you. you can even get fatigued by the same result, but you will break thru, make self belief blaze like a fire inside you. and just like my mom’s bumps in the road inspired me, I hope the bumps I paved, motivates and inspires you. so you can traverse great distances over smoother terrain, because good roads last longer than drive thru’s. —

“leaving you, left me”

I leave you with goodbyes I leave your goodbyes, trying to keep my glow I left your goodbye, and lost my glow because I’m left inside of goodbye, until I see my son and then I can glow again but without you, all I know is shade darkness a pit a hole abyss I’m back in prison, after our visit when I held then sun in my arms still hot from our embrace but now fading cold and dark from your distance I never believed I could leave your goodbye, still glowing long after because life without your son is darkness every time I leave you, parts of me fall and get left behind only to be found when I see you again but I smile my pain to convince you my joy and I wear your hurt from our goodbye like a father should but so once I left your goodbye I left my glow behind with it… you didn’t see it, I wouldn’t let you and now im back in prison, cold and dark until next time I see my son, sorry you have to leave, even though is leaves me dim I’ll never let go of your light goodbye