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  • RUSSELL

God I really need an anchor

God I really need an anchor lately I been feeling anger rising to the surface my mirror depicts a stranger I been trying to do different but I'm caught up in the wrong angles still struggling to understand everything u put me thru tho I don't wanna blame ya so I'm not pointing fingers its just that the people around me, live more for the symbol of their twisted fingers and I get caught in the middle amongst my other hang ups mirror reflections projecting a stranger veering from sections that direct me to danger standn n pride puddles soakn my ankles copn when recorded cordphones get tangled how can I be a leader if they rather I lead them to war their problems lead me away from calls where I find respite talkin to real loved ones in order for them to settle a score but I can't fault them tho, there aint too much to do really so problems become dug up whenever ur bored I'm soaked in all these fuckin pissin contest amongst lions seeing who has the loudest roar and I swear I can roar with the best of them, u as my witness but I quit that years ago its hard looking out on this yard and believing in miracles those closest to me don't even believe, they rather lay their faith in a finished product and only venture to listen or talk to me when its more convenient for them but I accept it as needed company if I'm being honest they can't see who I used to be, and who I am now versus my destiny that I'm somehow tryna plan out but they'll be around later with their hearts and demands out trying to flip things making me feel guilty with their hands out Im struggling, omg I swear I struggle this part is for u, yaw know who u are when I said it I meant it I swear that I love u but that's jus not good enough huh when I'm not close enough to help u out or even touch u delayed gratification has became my strength but you allow it to crutch u pain and the pressures of life proffer promise and purpose but yaw allow it to crush u I went thru so many names I've forgotten who I was way before I came here, forget an alias that made me alien just call me Russell never mind again call me young russ-resilent under stressful situations or better yet, WayOfLife, becuz even now, I just live thru it, and thru-out my limitations I call out from this box when Im in need of ventilation but how come I'm seen as the sick one but I get on the phone and try to be patient, but I just happen to be the one that's not the patient deep down I love her god, but I don't think that she notice I also love her too respectfully but deep inside she's a cobra I love them too but they selfish with no belief and no culture oh and I love them too and tho they free, they ain't living life, they're just inside of a coma I guess I love easy and fall hard, the characteristics of anyone lonely enough hiding behind a fasade I try loving those that its toughest to but love aint always kosher I try living to love, but all I know is fighting these wars inside of myself that I scribe inside of my poems what's life, but choices made from a bunch of conflicting moments I need u but don't go to you in those moments when u could make me the strongest I see prison as my platform but I struggle to own it my perception and my persona keep me feeling lonely I think I miss my mom, and maybe the raw feeling of love too many years I been numb, but relationships always work to both break u and heal u up could any woman even truly wait and not let another man feel her up speaking like a man, saying she got needs too, but she still in love and what about that estrange relationship between a father and his son my son said I was a bad boy today cuz I'm in jail I said u right but daddy is in grown up timeout trying to get well I told him u have to love, listen forgive, and be nice then u can have it all he listened and showed me real love, I challenge adults to do the same, see he wasn't mad at all he told me to hold on so he can put his socks, then came back and listened its funny how we handicap our kids trying to hide things to keep them safe but the are more resilient and really they pay attention he's 6 when I asked him does he know what I do everyday he said that I wear the same thing everyday, ha how would he know I corrected him saying I got sweats and stuff too but those were just my visiting clothes I also workout, do my homework and try to help others one minute left, we said our goodbyes, shared a kiss and said we love each other if all ur wrongs are lesser than mine, than maybe u should see how u sound trying to compare and name one responsibility, fault and pride are hard concepts, i used to struggle with blame, I rather not blame but everyday I accept being the blamed one how can YOU change but somehow in your head accept me as incapable of change and being the same one I wouldn't say it out loud, I'm more passive and forgiving now, but I listen to so many from the stand point of me being crazy yet I feel like the only sane one sirens and violence and riots im on autopilot reading signs and minds doing time times hard times, rewind, remind me of a past I keep behind to hopefully keep my silence inside of me...shhhh prison will make u a sociologist with sociopathic behavior worst moments have me on the other side of a conscientious russian roulette bullet chamber in prison I'm an indentured slave, fighting for freedom and favor listening to my siblings vent of how we've ventured as strangers voices in my head screaming hearing their pain in my absence but before it exits my mouth those voices are strangled I can't let certain emotions show while these waves are rocking and rising even though I can't swim, and this prison cruise ship is tainted I played enough with fate and im not feeling any braver standing strong for so many years on a wavy foundation guilt from my mistakes, I tried saving so many, joked about how I'm a 'captain save a' but now im in need of a savior so like I said, God I really need an anchor

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