Happy birthday Josiah!

“sorry son” I love you and miss you I wish I could kiss you the distance has chiseled a piece from my middle

though I’ve had my issues its nothing against you it must have convinced you that I’m less than gentle

I never would hurt you I never had hurt you though I know I hurt you ever since we drifted further

and I don’t deserve you I know I’m not worthy my tears always flurry and fall in a hurry

when I think of you hurting and the things that you heard but I swear that I’m searching and my arms are still reaching

but I can not reach you not because I haven’t tried maybe some rather I leave you alone but I can never leave you alone

I try to respect them you have a father! he isn’t white you have another side

he miss you daily he wish he could write he wish he could call and you pick up the phone

you’ve been around when he’s on the phone but you do not know and that kills him slow

but he doesn’t show he just prays and hopes because you’re so close but to you he’s a ghost

to them he’s a monster but that’s just not honest he respects your mama it’s just that his past is always conjured

but it ends in a comma because he’s still living his story is still being written and its far from finished

that was a chapter he’s building a future but you’re what he’s after you’re not a bastard

you’re more than a fraction I know that you’re fractured and you’re half of a man you may be chasing after

and your mama don’t know it you may not how to voice being a child feeling a void it’s not like you have a choice

so I get it son but one day this will be over and no matter where you go I’ll be right over your shoulder

as you get older we’ll become even more closer and hopefully we’ll both capture closure until then, happiness will only be a matter of exposure — “10years ago” 10 years ago I became a father 10 yeas ago I remember holding you swaddled 10 years ago I remember holding you and your mama 10 years ago I remember you sucking on my lip like it was your bottle 10 years ago I remember holding you close with your eyes closed watching you swallow the last of the foam from the formula in your bottle 10 years ago I seen the first reflection of me 10 years ago I kissed the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen 10 years ago I witnessed the birth of a King 10 years ago I held you up like Simba in the Lion King 10 years ago I forgot about all of my problems 10 years ago I had risen up from out of the bottom 10 years ago I was no longer feeling hollow 10 years ago I held your moms hand as she pushed you into this world like a champ and I snipped the umbilical cord that followed 10 years ago I reached the peak of the highest mountain 10 years ago I held up the world back when it weighed 8pounds, 5.8ounces 10 years ago seems more than just 10 years ago but how can anyone keep count the age of a miracle? Happy Birthday Josiah, I love you son —

Happy Birthday Josiah, its kind of crazy celebrating your birthday alone this year in somber guilt-like silence yet again, and ironically it falls on Mother’s Day! Because your birthday is the first time I witnessed the strength of a woman, that being your Mom on that day, and the miracle of birth, that being the King you arrived as. I won’t waste time speaking of the past, I want to just say briefly if possible that you give me so much strength and hope, also motivation in life. Because you were the first thing in life that showed me that I can be something more than just myself, and that’s a father. I took that for granted, but I now know that being a father is more than just being a parent. I never had that example, but its no excuse because when a child is brought to you, we have no choice but to learn on the job and let go of self and get ready to give without complaint. Give everything with a smile! Having a child isn’t the weight, the weight is actually learning to be selfless. A father is just as needed as a mother, for guidance, strength, discipline, love, protection, identity, and understanding the role of a man and how he is to act towards women. A father is not in prison, but he Can, father from prison. I can’t right now with you, but I’m building every piece of myself up so when I get that chance again, I won’t mess that up. You are so beautiful, great, better than me, and the first moment I understood the depth and meaning of sacrifice. There’s nothing in life I wouldn’t give up just to be able to know you again and earn being your father because I know coming into your life as if I’m entitled to loved listened to and respected is not right nor realistic. But I’m comforted by the job your mom is doing, and though I know the importance of fathering, I know even more the importance of showing you that I will respect your mom and wait until she is ready, if there’s anything I can show you is the importance of respecting and loving women. Especially since I didn’t know that lesson as early as I should’ve, and people deal with their pain in their own time and ways. So again, I’ll silently celebrate your birthday again for another year, truthfully in pain, but I don’t even compare it to anything that you may feel and not know how to voice yet. God you’re so beautiful..starring at your picture as I write this. Man I love you dude, I really do..but you getting to that age where this mushy stuff might not be you…and you’ll probably be beyond kissing age by time I’m out, but I’ll hug the shit out of you! Memories I already had with you can never be taken away, so I just work everyday to prepare myself for the days to come that I will have more. Even if I’m met with your anger, I’ll take it, give you time, and keep coming back time and time again, because I will never not be there again. I will never fail that duty to you Son. Yea man..Happy Birthday Jooce! Josiah Henry-James Wardlow 10 years old smh…Sheesh! Girlfriends are a thing now huh?! If you’re a lover like your parents..they in trouble! I love you Son

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