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  • RUSSELL

I saw my Dad for the first time

I saw my dad for the first time I wonder if who I am now, would’ve made you proud? I saw my dad for the first time I wonder how my life would’ve been different, if you were around? I saw my dad for the first time I wonder if you would’ve seen yourself, inside of my smile? I saw my dad for the first time I wonder what words you’d have told me, when ever I was down? I saw my dad for the first time I wonder what it would’ve been like, seeing you cheer me on in the stands? I saw my dad for the first time I wonder what you would’ve taught me most, about being a man? I saw my dad for the first time and I just noticed, that you never held me in your hands? I saw my dad for the first time but he’s never seen me, I just got a picture of him, he’s been dead 30 years, I’m 30…damn, we never had a chance! … and I hate him for it, you hear me?! I hate you dad! I really don’t, I’m just really mad thinking of the moments and possibilities, We Never had and that I grew up NEVER uttering the word Dad why did you mess up?! I want to blame you as if you’re the reason why I’m so messed up?! my mom had to deal and live through that guilt, wilting becoming lesser after 30 years I met my brother, but not your family maybe that’s for the better because I’m probably so much like you, that all I’ll ever do is cause them pain maybe the memory, maybe the visual, maybe my personality, or maybe the fact my grieving mother gave me your name! my whole life has been a blanket of shame! what if that night never happened?! what if I didn’t grow up repressing shit, depressed and lost in a rage like you afflicted by violence liquor and the beer taste like you demons I battled, with too many shadows I had to chase like you I never knew you, but I ended up putting my hands on a woman’s face like you!.. I’ve failed so far as a father being distant and unavailable just like you! speaking of being a father, I never had an example! you lost it after life got outside of what you had planned and could handle where you at dad?! is heaven even real?! would you even go considering the reason you were killed? I just got close to God, and I don’t even have a clue I don’t know if I should be looking up or looking down when I’m thinking of you but I smiled so big when I saw your picture, you was a handsome dude it made me proud to know that, still chasing vanity even in a somber mood I think I really love you, though I don’t know how I guess that gives me hope for gaining forgiveness and love from both my sons one day when I’m out I look at you everyday..but you never talk back you have shades on your face like I always do, in many ways we match I heard my voice is soft like yours, ironically chasing things that I’ll never see and believing them as facts but that’s the makings of faith I try to make sense of myself when I’m facing your face I get lost in your picture and somehow I believe that I know you I guess you have a look that I’ve searched for my whole life that’s just so easy to go to I bet you would’ve understood me huh? I’m 50 shades of your ingredients spent so long searching for meanings and reasons that years became seasonless but I finally saw you for the first time…and I can see you forever now it’s easier this way anyway, because a picture can never let you down…

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